The WWF was hot in 1985! They had been on MTV and NBC. WrestleMania and Mr. T were a thing! Which means it was time for the WWF to invade the home video market. With this being the WWF and Vince McMahon there is only one way to start and that is with a bloopers tape?
Gorilla Monsoon is the host in the WWF home video control center and he assures us that we have some hilarious surprises ahead of us. To prove that, they insert Gorilla screwing up filming the opening into this without any warning.
The first clip we get is of a ten-man tag match from the Philadelphia Spectrum. I would give you a date and all, but it’s so quick we don’t even get to see all the competitors. What we get is “The Magnificent One” Don Muraco running into Andre the Giant’s ass and then it’s replayed.
Freddie Blassie is now on Tuesday Night Titans giving love advice. We are on a corny site and Vince McMahon is reading letters from TNT fans. First question comes from a wife who’s husband ignores her after watching TNT. Blassie’s advice? She should take a bath. Next we have a wife show says her husband practices moves on her after watching the WWF, including the Super Fly splash. It hurts her and she wants it to stop. Blassie says a man should beat his wife, like he did to his rotten second wife. Finally a sixty year old women wants to date a wrestler. Blassie suggests Sgt. Slaughter, Tito Santana, Hulk Hogan and the Tonga Kid. Vince is not impressed.
Gorilla says we are about to learn a lesson about vanity.
“Iron” Mike Sharpe vs Steve Grey
Joined in progress and Grey’s toupee falls off.
Tiger Chung Lee tries to break bricks. Gorilla claims he was in charge of buying the bricks on this night and bought ones with steel running through the middle. Tiger can’t break them, but keeps trying. Vince is laughing his ass off.
Captain Lou Albano is on TNT. He rambles and doesn’t make sense.
We are back on TNT and Vince McMahon brings out Tony Atlas for a pose down. We hear the Coliseum Home Video music as Atlas poses in speedoes with the camera man zooming in a lot. “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff is here as competition. Same music, same zooming in, but smaller speedoes. The five people in the audience decide Tony Atlas is the winner. Orndorff is not happy and jumps Atlas. A man in jeans, jacket and a mask breaks it up. What was the blooper, bleep or bodyslam in that segment?
Gorilla is back in studio to tell us the life of a wrestler is lonely. He informs us that dog’s make great friends. However Iron Sheik’s friend is a camel. Which sends us to Vince with the Iron Sheik and a camel. Vince needs an expert here, so he brings out Lord Alfred Hayes. Sheik makes fun of Sgt. Slaughter and says the camel is his own training partner. Alfred makes stinky faces and we find out the name of the camel is super long in Arabic and is Claud in English.
It’s time for Kamala and the performing chicken on TNT. Friday and Blassie bring out the “Famous Performing Chicken”, which is just a chicken in a giant cage. They bring out Kamala who stalks the chicken and Blassie jokes about it being dinner time. We cut to Kamala eating chicken with feathers around him.
Gorilla says we are about to see one of the funniest midget matches of all-time.
Danny Carpenter vs The Haiti Kid
Joined in progress and Haiti bites the ass of Carpenter to get out of a hold. We get some silly referee midget spots.
Back on TNT Ivan Putski is teaching people the polka. Well that is what Gorilla said, but all we get is a bunch of dancing. Vince is more into this dance then he was into Shawn Michaels. This might had been the highlight of Vince’s life.
Hulk Hogan making protein shakes on TNT.
Hulk Hogan is on TNT and we are joined in progress as he is pulling out the python pack (a custom 12 pack of vitamins) and gets Vince to drink the protein shake he made to swallow the vitamins. He likes it and they coax Awful Alfred to drink it. He throws up.
It’s now Captain Lou’s turn to give love advice. First up a wife says her husband refuses to use modern hygiene techniques like deodorant. He stinks. What can she do? Lou’s advice is to put some olive oil, witch hazel, sweetening lotion and rubbing alcohol and rub it on him. Second up, a women asks about her obese husband and if the “Fat Person Guide to Ectasy” is a good source. Lou hates fat people. Vince doesn’t understand and asks him how he sees himself. Lou is all muscle and that “Fat Person Guide to Ectasy” is about a low carb diet. Lou says the husband should look in the mirror and tell himself he is great. Finally a wife asks what to do about her husband who never takes off his boots. Lou says she needs to get him some deodorant, because that would start to smell Then completely rambles until the segment ends.
Julia Child move over, the Wild Samoans are here to cook. We are joined by Lord Alfred holding his nose, he thinks it’s the plague. It’s actually fish stew! Obviously they do some raw fish stuff and an actual fish stew. Alfred gets the head and gross bits and refuses to eat it and says he would rather get cat rabies.
Gorilla says we are now ready for the greatest blooper of all-time.
The Wild Samoans vs Tony Atlas & Rocky Johnson
Joined in progress as Atlas comes in on the hot tag. Referee bump and Albano grabs a chair. Atlas ducks as a Samoan gets nailed and pinned losing the Tag Team Titles.
Albano is now shown on TNT trying to explain the greatest blooper ever. He denies responsibility, since they were three-time champs they should had survived that technical mistake. Called the Samoans crybabies.
Gorilla back in studio raving about the wrestling credentials of Salvatore Bellomo. Bellomo is a credit to wrestling. Bellomo is on TNT making pizza. A real pizza man does not use a rolling pin. Alfred has some flour on his nose, which Vince points out that it’s not the first time he’s seen powder on Alfred’s nose. It lasts a minute before we get Italians in traditional Italian garb playing Italian music. Wow.
A quick clip of Dick Murdoch teaching Adrian Adonis how to get on a horse (which he sucks at) is followed by Adonis & Murdoch along with Mean Gene Okerlund on the mean streets of New York City. Adonis and Okerlund talk to some bums. Adonis claims a fire hydrant is a shower. A cute dog appears and Adonis pets it. Watching this I wasn’t sure what the point of this was, but my guess is that it is to show that Adonis is a fake New Yorker (since nobody knows him) and that New York is an awful place. A weird choice for a company based in New York. The whole thing ends with them getting some disgusting street hot dogs and Okerlund refusing to pay. Gorilla says that is why he’s called Mean Gene.
We get a bunch of short clips of slams and splashes, since Gorilla feels we haven’t had enough of them.
“Lucious” Johnny Valiant now gets a turn giving love advice. We finally get a male question where a husband claims he puts a mask on his wife to improve her looks. All of these questions are so awful and really portray some horrible marriages. We get a question from an unmarried women, who is hot, but likes ugly men. Who can she date? Valiant raves and raves about Brutus Beefcake being so hot. He’s a 15 to 20 to 25 out of 10. He lists Tito Santana, Junkyard Dog, Sgt. Slaughter as stone ugly. Last question is a women who wants to be in a battle royal. Vince thinks this is some weird fantasy orgy question, while Valiant doesn’t understand the question at all and talks about how battle royals are difficult to win.
We are told Andre the Giant sings the fish song, something advertised on the VHS box. Before that Andre compares Big John Studd to Sky Low Low. He shows off the size of his hand over Alfred’s face and we cut to Andre with the band. Sadly no singing, he just makes the fish face. This is pretty funny though.
Cyndi Lauper on Piper’s Pit!
Moving on to Piper’s Pit where Cyndi Lauper is the guest. Lou Albano appears and cuts a great promo. He wants Cyndi to tell everybody that women belong in the kitchen and that he wrote all her songs, etc.. Lauper gets annoyed and beats up Albano and Piper, before she is pulled away.
Some more clips of slams.
We are now ready for the main event of the tape, it is Butcher Vachon’s wedding on TNT. First we start with the gifts. Albano gives them a lifetime supply of rubber bands. Blassie gives them some reading glasses, so that he could see how ugly the wedding ring is and how ugly the bride is.
We move onto the toasts and first up is George “The Animal” Steele who eats a champagne glass and makes some odd sound before he mutters out a short congrats. Albano toasts “Open your teeth, open your gums, watch out stomach here it comes!” Jesse Ventura says “the scum always rises to the top of the water”. Sky Low Low is not ready and then says “what the hell do you want a toaster?”. “Dr. D” David Shultz doesn’t want to toast nobody, so he toasts himself only. Albano is wasted and burps into the mic many times. He is now singing and starts stripping. The bride is dancing with Sky Low Low and Albano is dancing with a female little person which Blassie finds hilarious. Moving on and Albano and the Samoans are joined by Sky Low Low to sing.
Time for cake. The bride doesn’t like cake, so Dr. D throws it in her face and the Butcher does as well to his own bride. Somehow Albano finds a whipped pie and throws it at Sky Low Low. Now everybody has whipped pies and it’s a giant pie fight. Alfred even gets pie on his head. So does Vince. I don’t know why whipped pies are at a wedding, but there you go. We get champagne spraying and even more pies. Butcher breaks a beer bottle on the floor and starts throwing chairs and knocking over tables. It’s a giant food fight. Sika seems to enjoy this more than anyone. During this entire chaotic scene the band keeps playing. In a good attention to detail Dr. D is spraying Pepsi instead of champagne.
We get a a short highlight reel of segments that didn’t make the show and then some more slams to end this tape.
In Conclusion
What a strange tape to put out as the first WWF home video. On one hand there was some classic TNT moments and on the other there is nothing on here you would want to have in your permanent home library or re-watch more than once.
I was really looking forward to this project of watching the Coliseum Home Videos, but this tape was not a great start. However, I’m really looking forward to “Hulkamania” to go up next week!
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